We'll play hide and seek to turn this around

To sum up the week in a phrase: an emotional rollercoaster ride. 

Well this week was honestly a test of the mental strength as i faced the ups and downs and the aftermath of CT1s :-( it's saddening and disheartening to face disappointment time and again and honestly it messes with your confidence much as it's supposed to be a wake-up call :( bad results much as a result of my own mistake of not working hard enough makes me feel like a flop and like shit as compared to my friends. yeah people often say not to compare yourself with others as everyone is different but admit it, we all compare ourselves to people much as we don't want to and our parents do it too. 

Mon was really bad but me and toh went on a walk at ecp after school cus we both badly needed some form of escape from our bad results and feeling horrible about ourselves. it was an impulsive but good decision and it was really nice just walking along the beach and seeing the world out there that existed apart from school. i can't believe i'm saying this but nature actually helped calmed my thoughts and i'm really thankful for the serenity of the beach and deep down i can't help but wish that my negative thoughts would go away with the wind too.

The pretty beach

sorry for da small eyes haha

Tuesday started out okay and i played volleyball for pe ^^ really miss playing volleyball and i can't decide if i wanna go for pe or use my blue-slip to catch up on work :( but it was a really bad night and i guess what made it worse was me not being able to do anything despite wanting to do so :( it makes me doubt my capabilities like crazy and makes me feel like a messed-up piece of shit that actually has to take A levels at the end of the year (which i'm totally not ready for). but thank you dwee so much for encouraging me and talking to me though it was late in the night <3 it really made me feel better and i really appreciate it ^^ you're a friend that i really really treasure and i'm just really grateful for you for being there for me whenever i need someone :-) i'd do the same for you anytime okays ^^ and thanks to my other friends for motivating me and cheering me on one way or another, you know who you are :")
Wednesday's friendly match with CJC turned out really well and it was a good time spent on floorball after a few stressful trainings in a row where i didn't feel as good.  it was surprisingly a good day ^^ CT session in the morning was also timely as the teachers got seniors to share with us their feelings and how they managed to cope during their demanding J2 year :D 

#VJFB girls

Thursday: faced another disappointment again from lit :-( well lit is getting harder day by day and i find myself so lost and confused in lectures or tutorials sometimes and i find myself not being able to infer anything upon reading certain extracts from books/poems and it scares me cus this did not use to be the case :-( whyyy is this happening to me :( i really wonder how i managed to do lit last year now that i think about it :-( this makes me sad cus i like lit and i really wanna do well in it butttttt it's hard

Friday: first math remedial in jc hahahhahaa it went okay i guess

Sat: training + friendly match with rvh
wasn't my best day of training but i guess i felt okay
but i'm super sad with myself cus i crashed from 5+pm to midnight :-( what kind of crap am i doing to my life :<<<<<<

Sun= t o d a y
well it's been a pretty unproductive dayyyyyyy and it's sadddd :( cus i wake up every morning praying that it would be a good and productive day but i fail to do so almost every time :( sobzpie i'm such a failure and i'm such a bad kid and student :-(

BUT BUT today is exactly 2 months ever since ARCANE happened :") really miss those times like crazy :( my orientation feels!!!! missing the arvia ogls and my freshies :< 

Well to be honest, i dread going to school nowadays :-( i'm useless in lectures and tutorials except for lit and for some other lessons. i used to love going to school as i get to meet and learn with my good friends but it doesn't seem like the case nowadays.  in my entire life, j2 is the first time i really really don't feel like going to school at all but i can't pon and i know it's for my own good but sighhhhhhh as in yeah i can pon buttttttttt

and well right now i'm kinda uncertain about certain friendships that i've forged and it scares me cus i finally saw how people whom i thought were my real friends could actually turn out to be fake :< i really didn't expect you to say that and well i guess i was wrong. people's true colours and competitive nature are slowly coming out and yeah i guess i can understand from their perspective as it is afterall our j2 year and it would be natural for everyone to want to excel in A levels but never, never would i want any of my friends to feel lousy, never in a million years!!!! :( but i guess people think differently and some are just more self-centred and i can't blame them for who they are cus everyone's different. or maybe it's just me overthinking but what you did to my friend was mean and a form of evidence too :( i really miss being in st nicks and being around people who are genuinely nice and not superficial at all and being certain of the friendship that i forged with people. it's really a big bad world outside st nicks huh?

this is a slightly unglam and blurry pic of us but i really really miss u guyssssss :-(

i'm really thankful for the unexpectedly pleasant things that happened this week :) but i'm disappointed in  my unproductiveness as a result of me crashing on wed, thurs, fri and sat nights after doing minimal work :-( really hope that the upcoming week would be better cus i'm sick and tired of feeling stupid and incapable of doing stuff and knowing that i procrastinated and wasted time :(

sometimes i really really wish i could escape from all of this with the people i love and live in a small town where we could do what we really wanted. i just wanna live in a bakery and bake bread and eat bread and lie under the stars and talk all night // lie under the sun and read a good book and enjoy the peace and serenity around me // listen to good music and be around people that i love // do meaningful stuff that would really impact and change our lives as compared to trying to comprehend vectors

i guess it's okay to not be okay and the past week just happened to be a less than okay week. "it's okay to be a glowstick. sometimes we need to be broken before we shine" // "you can't fly unless you let yourself fall" i really hope that i see my failures as a wake-up call and have the motivation to work hard so that i wouldn't disappoint myself and others anymore.

cus afterall, we're all just trying to find some colour in this black and white world.